I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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