I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i was born a porn star she said
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
