Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
