The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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