Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
