you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
