you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
