just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
