also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
