I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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