I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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