after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
