I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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