you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
