if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Even my vagina gasped.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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