why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize