my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
