I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
