i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Congratulations! We have a period
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
