life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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