if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you had me at cake vodka
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
