So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
