I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
