Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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