my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
