I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
