I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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