Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
