Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
