I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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