mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
