at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
