everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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