the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
