They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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