Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
