Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
