One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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