end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
