You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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