i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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