ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
