the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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