"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Life is so much better after having sex.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
