Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
