So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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