nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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