Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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