dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
