I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
