she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
