Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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