Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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