mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
