I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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