I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I want to make a zoo with you.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
