just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
