Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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