i wish there were pregnant emoticons
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize