Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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