Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
